26/6/24 │ mood: hottt
heyy just a small update - i'm moving to a new site!! well making a new one to be specific, you can find it here!! i also got my results back from last semester at uni and i did really well, i'm so glad :) i really struggled last semester and i think i really figured things out. i'm still not entirely sure what kind of art i want to make, but i'll cross that bridge when i get to it <3
oh also it's hot here in the uk right now and i am SWEATTING jesus christ it's so hot here man
06/6/24 │ mood: mmm idk man ok i guess??
i finished uni for the year!! thank god haha - it was really getting to be too much near the end of the last semester, so i'm really glad i finished it. my piece for my exhibition was a tent, and i slept in it as a performance piece. it was super scary but i'm really glad i did it - i never really come out of my shell and i feel like i really branched out and tried something new. i struggle a lot in social situations, especially after becoming ill (most days i have to eat dinner upstairs in my room instead of with my family because talking and being looked at is just too much) and i've always been scared of performing/talking in front of a crowd, so i'm really proud of myself. i have no idea what kind of grade i got yet, but either way i think i did a lot better than last semester. i hated my teachers last semester (omg fuck morgan and denise all my homies hate denise ifykyk) but i think i managed to speak more in group sessions and overall participate a lot more so i'm happy :)
i also had another meeting with a doctor from the clinic yesterday - i feel like i'm just going in circles with them tbh. my mum's really struggling with work (or lack thereof) and organising things with her boss and her union, and i feel like we're both a little stuck. there's no medication either of us can be given, and the doctor i saw just said the same things everyone says and that we need to take it easy and slowly build our energy up. like what do you think i've been doing for the past three years?? either way i guess i'm glad it's on my file now that i'm actually diagnosed, it made working things out at uni a little easier and meant i could apply for disabled student's benefits if i needed them, not that i can move out rn anyway but i guess that's good. my manager's also very nice about me missing work and taking time off, so that's good too. i just feel like i might not ever get better, especially since it's such a new illness. i don't really know what better might look like on me, since i was 16/17 when i first got ill and i don't really know how to function as an adult since falling ill. my social life isn't great at all, and i really can't take care of myself. hopefully things will get better.
my sister went on a school trip to germany the other week, and she took lots of pretty pictures. i really feel for her at the moment - she has to wake up for school and get up when no one else is awake, and just gets on with things and goes through the motions. i'm usually not awake when she leaves, or i manage to call out to say goodbye just before she goes - but i feel like i never really see her. i feel bad, but i know it's not my fault. i'm ready for the summer holidays when she'll be off school, so hopefully we can do things together. she's doing so much extracurricular stuff at school and she's been really enjoying it, which is really good, but i just hope she isn't lonely or feeling left out at home because everyone's so ill :( i love her a lot.
i haven't really done much else noteworthy over the past few weeks. i've been making money selling art online, so that's nice. it's a good passtime i guess, and it encourages me to make more art than i have done previously. i make more online than i go at my job right now, granted i don't work often but it's a decent amount overall. not that i really spend much though, i'm kind of hoarding it right now. better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. now that i think about it though, there's a jellycat wolf that i really want that will come out soon, but i don't know if i should buy it. i buy little bits and pieces all the time, but i forget about them after a few weeks and then abandon them. i feel bad about all the teddies i lost interest for, i feel like they must feel neglected :( toy story really did have an impact on me huh
anyway i'll probably write another update in a few months lol - i forgot how nice it is to keep a diary though. maybe i'll return sooner. peace everypony <3
june '24!!
22/3/24 │ mood: sleepy
guess who's sick again :D cold sick, not just general sick sick haha - my sister gave me a sore throat so i've been home all week. i've been looking through the photos and videos on my old 2ds (it was the red and white one that came with tomodachi life that i saved up for for MONTHS) and i completely forgot how much time i used to spend on it. there's so many stop motion videos i made of my littlest pet shops and teddies walking around the screen - no matter where i was, at home, on holiday with family, abroad - ALL i seemed to want to capture with my camera was my toys haha. there were videos of me singing a song my little sister wrote about a kitten, and lots of photos of her with the cheesy bubbles and star effects that i thought looked cool (and i still think do <3)
it was nice to look back on the photos though - i guess i'm pretty disconnected with who i was before, even though i'm still childish and have a lot of maturing to do. not sure why this entry is so philosophical compared to my other ones haha, guess playing mariokart does that to you :3 i was so cringe as a kid, and although i still am i know i can be hypocritical with things and it's something i'd like to improve about myself in the future, but i'm so ill all the time that the future seems difficult.
i also want to get more into gaming but i don't really know where to begin. i play a couple games on my pc but i'm really a casual gamer - i'm not interested in anything super difficult to run so there's no point in my buying a high end pc or console, but i'd really love something handheld that'll force me to spend more time actually lying down and resting when i need to. i can be so stubborn and i get so stuck in place trying to do things until i completely tire myself out when i don't need to :/ i need to spend more time actually resting in bed on my days off. i thought about buying a switch, they seem to be ~£100 for a switch lite, but the next nintendo console will probably be coming out in a year or two so i might as well wait for that. i already have a bunch of steam games so maybe i should get a steam deck? they can get expensive though, so i think i'll just keep an eye out for them at the moment. i want to be able to play the new stardew valley update from my bed, and maybe having a new console will force me to get around to seeing harvey and my two kids after a year and a half haha. i think i'll just keep aimlessly scrolling ebay for now. peace <3
13/3/24 │ mood: ok!!
uhhh so i completely forgot to update this lol, who's surprised :3 i started selling a bunch of adopts online recently and i forgot how fun it is!! i love drawing silly little characters but i always feel bad that i don't use them/draw them more than once, so why not sell them? anyway i'm having a bunch of fun watching early 2000's movies and drawing anime angel girls (and littlest pet shops <3)
oh also i got an isp for uni!! no idea what it stands for - inclusive support plan?? - but at least it'll hopefully make things easier at uni :/ it's so hard at the moment tbh and i'm missing so much, i missed monday's lessons for a doctor's appointment - and then the appointment was cancelled that morning so i missed it for nothing >:( but anyway, the woman i talked to to get the isp was nice and she said that if any of my module leaders don't adhere to the changes she's made then she'll tell them off for me <3 what a legend
march '24!!
23/2/24 │ mood: eh
hello my friends!! awooo as they say! i'm still here and i still love wolves >:) i've been pretty ill recently so i haven't been able to update my site, but i will get around to it at some point. maybe. also i started making something for uni, the link is here, idk if i'll end up finishing it but i think it looks kinda cool
17/2/24 │ mood: :/
i keep forgetting to update this lmao
literally nothing happened over the past week, i went to uni and cried (marginally) less often than last week so that's good ig? i went to work today and it killed be but we have new toy dinosaurs there so that made it a bit better.
idk, feeling pretty shit. i need to sleep. i hate making these rant style entries (i feel like i'm attention seeking when no one even reads this?? and even if you do i wouldn't know so i literally can't be but idk man it's the INTERNALISED fear of attention seeking. i want to be nice and kind but i'm a judgy piece of shit sometimes) but idk what else to write.
hermitcraft is fun though, maybe if i have spare time i'll finish the fanfic i wrote a couple years ago and never finished (and to that one person who commented on every single chapter right up until the hiatus i love you so much). peace <3
12/2/24 │ mood: WOWOWOOW
i haven't updated in forever sorry guys hermitcraft s10 started and i can't think about anything else
i'm up to date with mumbo, iskall, grian, keralis, bdubs, tango and joe and i don't think my brain can handle anything else
also iskall's consistent uploads PLUS extra content on vodskall has my brain doing zoomies inside my skull rn :0 like yes silly iskallium man go!!
5/2/24 │ mood: sleepy
not much to say haha, i have a meeting with the student support team and head of module AND my lecturer and tutor tomorrow, so i'm stressed out of my mind for that - it'll all be fine but i know i'll still cry haha
that's literally it, i'll keep ya updated i guess haha
1/2/24 │ mood: idk man
writing this from a lecture, bro i'm so tired :/ i'm so sick of being ill. this is gonna be a rant but i'm genuinely so sick of it. i feel like i'm just writing the same things over and over again in this diary but i don't know what to say - i feel like i can't think and i can't feel and even when i try to get everything out it's still stuck inside and can't come out because i LITERALLY FORGET what i'm about to say.
idk it's been really hard going back to uni and i'm struggling a lot :/ not so much physically but way more mentally, i just feel like i'm being reminded of all the things i can't do. everyone's back from christmas and living in dorms, and i'm back home (not that i really want to stay in a house with strangers with a mouldy shower but the point still stands) and i don't think i can manage my timetable. my academic advisor set me up for a meeting next tuesday with the module leaders, so i'll have to talk a lot and it's gonna completely kill me :/ they really want to go part time but i can't do that - what i REALLY want is for my lectures to be online, but they're so adamant that i can't for some reason. no idea man, i don't get it.
i'm just really weepy at the moment, i don't know :( it kinda sucks. i cry a ton and it feels like i don't have a space to go, uni is stressful and so is home. idk man i'm just rambling now i don't know what i'm saying so i'm gonna go
but also some of my beads came and i made a new chain for my phone though so that was fun ig, i made a necklace too - i'll add a photo here at some point. my mum said more beads have arrived, so at least i'll get to make more stuff when i get home :D
february '24!!
30/1/24 │ mood: cried all day haha :D
went to uni yesterday and it took it out of me completely :/ my teachers are nice though so that's cool ig. i told my tutor(?) that i'm ill and we're sorting things out, so hopefully i'll be able to reduce my timetable a bit. it just sucks since there's so many interesting things to do, but i just don't feel well enough to do them. it's worse when i don't have the enthusiasm, so i just feel like a piece of shit for rotting away and doing nothing :/
but yeah hopefully things work themselves out. i'm sure they will.
27/1/24 │ mood: kinda ill but okay
i'm so tired after work :/ but i bought a frog and he's cute so it's all okay. might call him filbo, idk
uni starts on monday and i am STRESSING but man idk, i just have to go with the flow. peace
24/1/24 │ mood: eh
forgot about updating this lol, not much happened tbh
i've been doing my homework for beginning the semester - i'm meant to research a site specific art piece and i'm doing Andrew Roger's Rhythms of Life. i would write more but i'm tired, tl;dr: it's the largest piece of contemporary art, and it's pretty cool :) i really like the one of the bird in australia, it's absolutely massive
lowkey stressing about going back to uni but i'm just not thinking about it tbh
21/1/24 │ mood: not feeling much
had a fight with my dad today lol. my mum cried a shit ton and so did i. i hate being ill so much. fuck my dad and fuck everyone else, i need to sit in a cool dark room for 18+ hours to calm down because GRRR I'M SO ANGRY >:(
i kinda can't wait for uni to start because i hate being around my dad. but literally at the same time i physically cannot stay at uni for long. idk man, fuck this, peace
17/1/24 │ mood: alr ig
surprisingly not that bad even though i went to work yesterday. uni starts the week after next and i need to get my hw done - screaming crying throwing up rn fr
look at my wolf though <3 he's so cute - might call him wilson, idk yet. he's been everywhere with me today (and by that i mean upstairs and downstairs and then that's it). also i got a letter saying i'm being referred to the clinic so that's cool. fucking fix me now please <3
16/1/24 │ mood: surprisingly good
worked the evening for stocktake and bro. i love it so much. i should go work in a manufacturing thing somewhere because scanning and organising things silently for hours??? it was a dream come true. i don't even feel ill bro i'm just normal tired this is my DREAM
fr though i was fine at work even though it was a late shift. ignore the part where i slept till 11 this morning and spent all day in bed i was LIVING. also i got a toy wolf in the post (yet again (she was £5 on ebay gimme a break)) and i might take a photo tomorrow to add here bc i'm tired now but she's so cute <3
also my dad was an asshole before i left for work. fuck my dad, all my homies fucking hate my dad. bald piece of shit asshole no i don't know why the amazon parcel looks like that why are you yelling at me?? you know i can't breathe now?? anyway peace out ✌️
13/1/24 │ mood: pretty good!!
yeah yeah you get the deal, i say i did nothing and then i talk about werewolves. but i watched across the spiderverse with my sister, so that's my achievement for today. hobie and pavitr my beloved :) can't believe they made a british spiderman - also it's a long ass film oh my god bro i'm exhausted
12/1/24 │ mood: alright ig
awh yeah i'm back on my doing nothing grind 🔥😎 and by that i mean physically being unable to leave the house 🤩 i never meant for this diary to be so negative, but idk writing out how hard everything is is kinda sad :/ i had a shower yesterday and it killed me so that's fun
idk man something poetic blah blah what do i do blah blah blah my body's betraying me and im scared of what i'll end up becoming if i stay this way for much longer - no WONDER i love werewolves!! <3
11/1/24 │ mood: alright ig
spent all of today in bed, i've been taking a tonic thing and idk if it's helping. my mum thinks i'm sleeping better (which means i fall asleep after waking up now, but it's not good sleep if you get me) so i guess that's something. i did literally nothing today, just watched netflix. chronic illness moment i guess lmao. it's only until the evening that i'm doing something, but idk if sitting at a desk playing don't starve really counts haha
oh also the medicine's called metatone so it makes me laugh every time i take it, i'm powering up into mettaton ex for real xoxo
10/1/24 │ mood: tired but okay!
so uhh going out yesterday was a bad idea, i've been so tired today :/ i had a shower this morning and dried my hair and that was literally all i could do. sucks but i guess i need the rest. plus i've been waking up at like 11 face down in the pillows like a reverse vampire, so idk what's up with that
i painted my nails though! super cute, i never get around to it so that's fun. i bought a another toy wolf today (of course) so that'll be coming at some point :)
09/1/24 │ mood: okay - very cold ugh
okay so i always forget what i've done in the past few days, and i always get super upset and down that i feel like i'm being lazy - so i'm gonna try to do what my mum does where she lists down what she's done over the past day or two. kinda like recording spoons i guess, idk. i have the memory of a fish.
too much - i went for a walk (and by walk i mean literally like 10 minutes) but it's absolutely freezing here at the moment and my hands hurt so much :( not fun at all, my toes still sting
less difficult - i crocheted the last of the flower for my lamp!
also my cross stitching fabric came so maybe i'll do some of that at some point, and one of my books arrived too. i've been reading kids books at the moment (i'm cringe idc, sue me) because it's way less emotionally taxing and honestly i'm so bad at concentrating at the moment :/ i finished the wolf wilder though, 100% would recommend! super cute, i really love the way the author describes the interaction between feo and ilya (and the wolf pup was super adorable). my sister's going to read it now, i hope she likes it <3
06/1/24 │ mood: good!
i went to work and didn't have to come home!! i'm so glad, i felt so much better. i'm still knackered but at least i managed it, even if it was only four hours.
i had a voucher from my birthday left over, and since we have an after christmas sale at my shop i bought these mushrooms!
oh and i'm making some ivy - hopefully i can string it up behind my bed and make it into a proper wolf den >:)
and this is the wolf i finished yesterday! i planned to make her a cloak too, but i haven't got around to it yet. she fits in my pocket - i made her to take iwht me to uni when i go back :) i've only just realised how much crocheting i've been doing while writing this - i guess it's just something simple and easy to do without having to do much :/ sucks to be ill i guess lmao
04/1/24 │ mood: eh
didn't do much today :/ kinda tired but working on crocheting something to keep on me when i go back to uni. i get so stressed out about buses and stuff, i need something on me to get me through it haha
i watched better call saul, i'm on season 3 right now. screaming crying throwing up because i'm so desperate to see gus on screen omg
but i bought a toy wolf! she's super pretty and made of recycled bottles so that's pretty cool
and i've started reading this book - i never get around to reading so it might take me forever (i still haven't finished no longer human haha) but it's super fun so far. feo is a sweetheart <3
02/1/24 │ mood: good!
happy new year!! i guess. i literally could not tell you what year it is but idk, happy 2024 or whatever decade it is
but i'm feeling a bit better! really headachey at the moment, haven't ever really had that before so that's new - especially in the car or outside in the cold :/ my knees and feet are still suffering too 😭
but last night i watched ginger snaps and oh my god... this movie i swear to god (screaming crying throwing up at every concievable moment)
the story?? the characters?? the makeup??? the outfits??? literally the best movie hands down, fight me. also ginger snaps walked so that jennifer's body could run. i was so sad with how many dogs died though, norman literally looked so much like my dog
oh also i started on the lining for my bag, it's just patched together denim but i think it'll be cute. hopefully strong enough too - i have a long strip to strengthen the strap but i haven't decided how i'll sew it on yet, but anything to avoid having it stretch :/ stretched crochet is the worst omg
and here's a windows xp ass photo i took today since i went outside. well i went out in the car. that's it. it counts.
january '24!!
31/12/23 │ mood: good!
woah it's been a while since i updated this
but yeah the wolf grind never stops i guess, i bought wolfquest and i'm obsessed oh my god they're so cute look at my pups
i suffered a great loss yesterday (my pup morro got eaten by a cougar) but still i press on 🤩🤩
also on another note i went to work yesterday, i cried and had to go home but at least i managed to do three and a half hours i guess :/ i was much less ill after getting home compared to the last time i went to work, so that's good - i'm slowly getting better again but i just KNOW it's going to get worse when i go back to uni (i fucking hate getting the bus so much my uni is an HOUR AWAY and it's exhausting on a good day i swear)
27/12/23 │ mood: good
went out with the dog, stood outside for like two seconds and got so cold my ankles were aching all day. i'm just elderly i swear
but i bought clip studio paint! i drew rudi for a test run i guess, the brushes are super nice but i'm still getting used to it. rudi my beloved <3
also the flowers were meant to be poppies? not sure if you can tell haha
26/12/23 │ mood: good
i didn't end up going out on christmas eve, kinda a shame but my mum brought me back wafers and poppyseed cake so it's all good :)
and christmas was good! i got a toy wolf from my sister so all is good
24/12/23 │ mood: idk
ill againnnnn
i might get studio clip paint, idk. it's on sale since it's christmas so maybe - and i got a christmas bonus from work so uhhhhh idk, i got the trial version, idk if i will but at least my wolves look cute :)
and i didn't go to work yesterday thank god, but i feel even worse today somehow even though i literally didn't leave the house yesterday. christmas eve will be at my grandmas for uszka and barszcz and i don't want to miss it but i'm so tired :( i might go sit in the car with my dog if things get too loud
BUT the most important update is that i'm watching better call saul again. mike my beloved <3
22/12/23 │ mood: good
didn't do much today, but that's alright! i worked on my shrines and now i have a half finished one for scooby doo and wolves, and i want to do brba and bcs next
made christmas biscuits! well my mum did and i ate them, but it counts. went out to walk the dog, i got tired after coming home but i'm glad i went out. i'm not going to work tomorrow, and i feel really bad for leaving them with less staff but i really can't handle working at the moment
unfinished doodle of wolfie, i want to add a ref for jude (the priest) but idk if i'll finish it any time soon
21/12/23 │ mood: tired
did literally nothing today, and then had the worst evening ever, i literally couldn't breathe :D i really can't handle anything remotely stressful atm or i end up needing to lay in bed all day ugh
but for my next semester at uni i have to pick a module and there's one for zines where we get to sell them at a local fair! that sounds fun, idk what i'll make for it though lol
oh and i started a painting of my dog! literally just colourpicking, nothing exciting haha
not much else to say really, i want to work on the shrines section of my page next, a breaking bad shrine for giancarlo is calling xx
20/12/23 │ mood: tired
i feel so ill today :( i'm so sick of this bro, i'm so exhausted all the time. i'm like elderly or something.
worked on editing my homepage, links to the diary and art pages and drew some more titles up. i want to do some art but i'm so tired. ugh.
update! forgot to mention i've almost finished the bag i'm making - idk what i'll line it with but it's pretty cute
19/12/23 │ mood: happy!
uuhhhhhh hello? so i made a website finally? i've always wanted to because i get so stressed about how constrained webpage presets and stuff are but ugh making one is so hard haha, i'm pretty bad at coding but i did it!
finally went to the hospital last week, and they were pretty useless :/ guess i'll die then.
december '23!!
